Ralph the Alchemist

Ralph the Alchemist - not an intimidating title. In spite of this he was really giving Ted a rough time. Usually Ted just hung around awhile and let nature take its course. Occasionally he'd speed things up a little, a good scare can hasten a heart attack or stroke. Not so with Ralph.

It wasn't that Ralph was resisting, he just wasn't dying. He had plenty of reasons to die; cancer, congestive heart failure, a ruptured kidney (Death did that one himself with a vicious blow from Frodo's stick when Ralph told him to take flying ... well it wasn't polite, or even possible.)

Ted was beginning to wonder if Ralph was actually right. Perhaps he was immortal.

Oh there are immortals, death came to mind. Of course it was more of a title than a person. After all, lots of people die, you can't expect one guy to do it all. Who did people think he was, Santa? Then there was Santa - special case, like fairies, all those kids faith can keep even a fat old man going forever. And vampires with all the murders and blood sucking. They weren't really immortal, just hard to kill. Even the gods die eventually. Whose seen Zeus in the last millineum?

But Ralph, who the hell believes in Ralph? He'd smell a devil pact. That only left one answer - science. Ralph had done it. He was immortal. Or at least his body was.

That was the problem. The body.

"Ralph, aren't you tired?" Ted asked.

"No, not really. Immortality means no sleeping."

"No sleep? No dreams? No rest? No waking up on Sunday morning to the paper and smell of frying bacon?" Death asked.

"I had bacon this morning, sausage too. I don't need to watch my diet. I'm immortal." Ralph shot back.

"I ment the waking part not the bacon part. Don't you miss it?"

"Well, yes. I guess I do. But I won't be waking up once I'm dead anyway."

"Why not have both. Be immortal and dead. We get to sleep you know, and travel and see things. And with an immortal body you could always come back and walk around, get a sandwich, whatever." Ted said.

"You're trying to trick me! You're Death."Ralph said.

"True, I am Death, but I'm not dead. I could use an apprentice. We have great benefits. You could meet all the great alchemist who failed at what you've done. Learn to transmute metals, and as Death you can do all kinds of party tricks. Animate the dead, possession, lots of cool things. I can even give you three out of four weekends off."

"I don't know. I worked really hard for this."

"So, we'll leave your body in a tomb in the cemetery, tucked in a corner and you can come back on the weekend after trying it out. I mean how bad can being Death be? Besides - there is no pain when you're dead." Ted told him.

"That is tempting. My kidney is really throbbing."

"Sorry, I bet the cancer is killing you too."

"Not anymore!" Ralph laughed. "You're right. I'll do it. I feel like I'm at a party and I've overstayed my welcome. Let's go."

Twenty minutes later Ralph's cold still form was settled behind the Smedley monument outside the old church. Death was taking a holiday and Ralph was in a new cloak, sporting a scythe and on his way to a soccer match in an old stadium that wasn't built to code.

Ted Death took a minute to watch the bulldozers come down the road to level the church. The bodies had been moved last week. Liberty Meadows would be building 200 houses here. Ted wondered how long it would take Ralph to look for his body. When Ted took the job it was almost twenty years before he went back.

It's nice to enjoy your work.